ElkFarm Stories

A Daily Dose of Writing

Category: Humor (page 1 of 3)

ALMOST a Disaster, Almost

 

Humor can be defined as something painful or uncomfortable happening to others. Others is the key word, like the Funniest Home Video TV show. If you or I experience it, it’s terrible, and it’s not funny, until years later, maybe

These photos I’ve found elsewhere. I call them almost because it doesn’t appear that anything bad has happened yet. Zip is the number of photos I take like this, but when I do you’ll be viewing it/ them and reading the story.

I’ll post two on this page and if you want more, click on CONTINUE READING. As you can tell, the timing has to be perfect. The above photo may be a set-up, but if anyone can send me the original photographer of the vase shot, please write a note in the comment section. The guy above looks like me in my heavier- clumsier days, though I haven’t changed that much.

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Ida Mae’s Cafe in Amery; Inquiring Minds

Ida Mae’s Cafe, downtown Amery. There’s the clock in the distance.

A stranger approached Kathleen and Lou as they scarfed down breakfast at Ida Mae’s Café. He introduced himself as traveling through the area and asked if they’d be able to answer a question.
“Go ahead,” Lou said with his mouth full of bacon.
“I’m headed for Clayton, I think that’s east here.”
Kathy and Lou nodded.
“What’s the quickest way to get there?”
Lou thought for a few seconds, took in an entire fried egg into his mouth, and asked him a question.
“You walking, biking, or driving a car.”
The guy thought that was a foolish question, but in all seriousness answered, “A car.”
Lou looked thoughtful, shoved a half a piece of toast in his mouth, and said to him, “Yeah, that’ll be the fastest.”

Lou and Kathy when they aren’t eating, a quite thoughtful pair of former teachers.

Little Carl Goes to Sunday School

 

Our Savior’s Lutheran Church, Amery, Wisconsin. The Sunday school teachers arrive early and figure out which classes they’ll take.
“I want to make an announcement,” Donette stated, serious as ever. “Carl’s coming today. His mom called.”
Scrambling, they made sure the 4th grade classroom had two teachers.
During class, Robyn wanted to get through to these 9 year olds that heaven wasn’t something they’d earn. They’d get there by God’s grace. A complicated concept for that age, but Beth and Robyn had a strategy.
Beth spoke up, asking them a question. “If I sold my car and all I have in my home, and I gave it to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“No,” they answered as a chorus, Carl the loudest and most serious.
“If I cleaned the church every day and mowed the lawn outside, would that get me into heaven?”
“No,” again. The kids weren’t sure where this was going but they knew the right answer was NO.
She asked a final question, wondering aloud if she loved her husband and kids a lot and was kind to animals, would that get her a chance at heaven.
“No,” they shouted louder than ever.
“Well,” Robyn asked. “How can I get into heaven?”
Some kids were confused about the correct answer, but not Carl. With a sneer on his face and a glare for both teachers: “You have to die first!!!”
Throwing his pencil down, he stomped out of the room, saying he’s got to find a cup of coffee somewhere.

Quick, Grab a Toothpick !

All seven members of the Miller family on this evening chipped in to help get supper and the table ready for a great meal. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and fresh peas. They’re often at each other like a pack of coyotes, but when food is involved they cooperate. But surprise!

Loretta the mom yells out: “The Pangburns just pulled up. They’re parking their car. They’ll expect to be fed.” They’d pulled this trick several times in the past. The kids instinctively knew there wasn’t enough chicken to go around.

They all froze, not sure what to do. Jeff the father shouts, “Everyone, here, grab a toothpick and go out to the porch. And rub your bellies like you’re stuffed.”

 

A Contest of Minds on a Flight

Freckles. Tired and cranky but  mentally sharp.

Warning. This is longer than I’m used to posting, and also I can’t cut it halfway in and ask if you want to read the rest. I hope you enjoy this test of wills.

A tired and cranky lady boarded a plane and found her assigned seat. Next to her would be a young fellow, to her a preppy looking fellow who it turned out did not lack for confidence. Bragging came naturally to him.
All she wanted to do was rest quietly and sleep on the three hour flight. He tried striking up a conversation, but she didn’t respond. Eventually he asked her a question.
“I’ll answer any question you ask me. Try to stump me, and if I can’t answer the question, I’ll give you a hundred dollar bill. Then I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t answer, you give me $5.”
She thought for a moment, agreed to do it, but laid down the law: then no talking after this contest. “You first,” she orders.
He asks first. “I’m thinking of an item that is black and white, then when a person is done with it, it’s red.”
She thinks as hard as her tired mind will let her, she knows she’s heard this one before. Her dad not only teased her with the name Freckles, he’d pose riddles like this.
Just before the agreed upon 5 minutes, she shouts, “I know.”
Mr. Smarty Pants now puts on his droopy, serious face.
“The answer is a newspaper,” she tells him. “Black and white, newspaper print, and ‘READ’ when the reader is done with it. Not the color red.”

Her first smile, she snatches the $100 bill from his hand.
He doesn’t look all bright and cheery now, but he asks for her question.
She asks in a clear voice. “What goes up the hill on 3 legs and comes down on two? I’ll give you fifteen minutes, meanwhile I’ll take a nap.”
With internet access, he searches on his computer, texts friends, and searches for the answer for the full 15 minutes. Fifteen blessed minutes to rest. He even goes over the time but figures she won’t notice.
Finally, with reluctance, he gives up. Handing her the $100 bill, he asks her: “Okay, what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 2?”
She give him her $5 bill, saying simply: “I don’t know. That’s your second question.”
“Now let me sleep.”
In her dream, her dad tells her he’s proud of her. “Way to go, Freckles.”

Lester the De-Stressor

When life gets hectic and worries pile up, take time to relax, take a break, and look at little Lester. Intelligent and studious for a dog, but he takes himself too seriously. Few friends, but that doesn’t bother him. He operates best when alone.

And best of all for us, he doesn’t realize how unique he appears to humans.

 

Bits and Pieces of Wisdom and Humor 1

Doesn’t this guy have friends who can tell him how a cap is supposed to work?

Occasionally I’ll assemble a few observations and humorous events, and sometimes I’ll include trivia and unique facts.

My check engine light came on, and of course I was in Madison, 100 miles away from home when I spotted the little sign. Check engine, that doesn’t sound too difficult. At a gas station I opened the hood over the engine, looked in there, even yelled to it that I was checking it, and closed the hood. Got in, and the little engine light was still on. Didn’t know what else I could do.

My Cousin Jimmy refused to go to Hooters. Apparently he doesn’t know the appeal of Hooters, but he’s got a off-kilter belief that they serve owl meat. He said he had enough of that as a kid and doesn’t want to go near it anymore.

My neighbor Erv thought he knew a lot, but it was just the opposite. Another neighbor went to the hospital and had a heart operation, a triple bypass. Erv thought the surgeons and the hospital pulled a scam on the neighbor. “Look here. The blood goes into the heart and it comes out of the heart.” He lets that sink in as he’s telling me, “And how can someone have a triple bypass if blood only goes in or out.” Not sure what his concept of bypass was, but he thought he had this one figured out.

The little student devil Carl, shown a couple posts ago, thought he had a solution for his teacher’s bad breath. He arrived one morning with a package packed within a towel. He told the teacher he made popsicles for her. The little trickster didn’t make normal popsicles, he made some that contained Listerine in hopes that she’d use them as well as get the hint.

In Amery, a parent met up with her child’s teacher at Dick’s Market south of town. The teacher told Rhonda that her daughter had a unique message the other day. The students were asked to go home and ask what country their grandparents and great grandparents had come from. Little Beth told the teacher that she thinks her parents told her that they were Scotch. When the teacher asked if they were anything else, she thought for awhile, not sure what to say, but eventually told her: “I think the other part is whiskey.” The teacher won’t forget that one.

The Teaching Challenge

Welcome, Ms McCarthy, to the wonderful world of teaching where you are able to connect with eager learners and make a significant impact on their lives. BECAUSE this is your first job, you will be instructing the kids with the most unique personalities. The other 3rd grade teachers already siphoned off most of the girls and any boys who were cooperative and were good citizens last year. The veteran teachers reasoned that any newly hired teacher had more energy, more new ideas, and more patience. This little fellow is Carl, and he tests well when he cooperates with the test administrator. He’ll probably  be one of your student leaders, sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Devise a good game plan and he’ll soon be on your side, helping you with class content and management. His teacher from last year praised Carl  for his enforcement skills. Congratulations on your new position, Ms McCarthy, and I know boredom won’t be one of your concerns.

Excuse Me, Excuse Me

You’re eating lunch I see, and it smells delicious. Do you know I can’t get through this little door? Would someone help me? Or if you drop something from the table, would you  . . . . ?

Whoa, I think someone just dropped a little meat. Please kick it over here, this way.

I’d appreciate that. Can you hear my eyes talking to you? Hey, now no one’s looking. Hey.

The Perfect Pie Crust

It’s not often that I put a complete picture and text in like this, but I’ll make an  exception here. The wisdom learned in the kitchen of beloved relatives, and the secrets that go with it, create wonderful memories of great times together.

Stay Active, Stay Healthy

The people in these photos are going along for the ride, but we can bet that they’re enjoying it to the fullest. Matters not what season of the year it is.

 

Job Safety Is Nearly Number 1

Rick and Tom work together, go out together, and at times don’t go out together by watching MMA fights on TV at Tom’s house. Their talk is most often about feeling sorry for the ladies of the Amery area who, too bad,  aren’t going out with them.

Today the two proudly declared that they have gone almost 24 hours without a workplace accident, and the one yesterday was almost not bad enough to go to the emergency room, but they did. Tom swallowed a few of those little nails, holding them in his mouth while nailing trim, and  laughing uproariously. He saw the look on Rick’s face when he  fell down an opening to the basement. But they’re okay today.

Good workers, though, always showing up and always willing to get the job done quickly and semi-safely. Rick is a swimmer so he gets to do all the underwater tasks.

 

Here Comes Gary

Elaine, look over there. Isn’t that Gary? Yes. Oh, I hope I hope he comes past us.  He’s such a hunk. And he’s got such cute eyes. Once he talked to me, once he said my name. No one can say BETH the way Gary can. Oh, he’s coming closer.

Sit up, sit back. Oh, Elaine, we both look so sexy sitting like this.  I’m going to lean back a little, I hope he sees my full figure. Back a little more.

OH NOOOOO?

 

The Elkins at Ellis Island

Several years ago on a tour of New York City, one of the side trips was a ferry to Liberty Island (Statue of Liberty) and Ellis Island. It was here that we decided to spring for a portrait. We didn’t have to put on any prop clothes, we simply were told to look toward the camera and also to look serious. We stared at the lens, we remained serious, and it took awhile so by the time the flash happened, I was super serious. In fact I had my angry teacher face that in my teaching days I’d only use a few times each school year.

This is the result. I’m not sure what country’s clothing this is, but we were pleased with the results. When I show this, I tell people that this is the day we were married or this is our reaction after winning the lottery.

The Missing Kid

Another pranktical joke.

This popular story came out a few years ago, timely now as the school year winds down and practical jokes gear up.

In a high school with some clever pranksters, overnight students released goats into the hallways. When principals opened the doors that Friday, SURPRISE.  Small goats, with numbers painted on their sides, ran scared, slipping on the shiny tile floors to avoid capture.

The chase took over 15 minutes, and after capture the office people and teachers locked the goats into a storeroom. The idea was to remove them from sight before the students arrived. Of course if you know goats like I know goats, nothing could keep them quiet, blathering away. Also, the story was the buzz among the students. The day wasn’t ordinary.

They found three goats, numbers 1, 2, and 4. But the administration spent the rest of the day searching for number 3.  Never found. Why? Number 3 goat didn’t exist.

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